Lost

Mar. 15th, 2011 07:03 pm
cindylouwho: (belle4)


First, thank you all for the comments, tweets, and fb messages.  I would reply to all of them, but having to read them makes me cry.
<3 <3 <3

I feel very lost right now.  I have no idea what to do next or h0ow to figure out anything.  My brain just can't cope.  I feel like I should be home, but I can't bear being there.  I can't focus on the copious amount of work I have to do.  I know its normal......but I just feel so sad.
 
My sister has already moved herself into my mom's room.  I know they all said that it was ok and all but it kind of bothers me even though I am not there.  And granted she needs the space, but it makes me feel left out of everything now- I know I have my own life, but now nothing will ever be the same again.
 
I just have no idea how to cope.
 
If any of you were interested in seeing the obituary, it is here.  http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/metrowestdailynews/obituary.aspx?n=linda-louise-corliss&pid=149341653  (fucking LJ you suck, it won't let me embed.)
 
ps. [livejournal.com profile] kyrina  is taking care of me and is making sure I eat and stuff <3
cindylouwho: (hopeless F&L)


 Less than 24 hours are left according to the nurse who came shortly after I left today.  

I said my goodbyes- I think she heard me and understood, b/c her heart rate went up.

And now I am sitting in this damned airport trying not to have a nervous breakdown and wondering if I can go back to Glasgow and then immediately turn back and make it back in time for the funeral.  Of course she can't hear me then......
 
It is just such a fucking waste.  In 8 weeks she went to fine, to terminal in a hospital bed at home not even resembling the woman who brought me into this world.  64 years young.  My youngest niece is a bit confused, but the older one gets it.  She is going to be devastated (not to mention once she realizes she didn't get to say goodbye to Auntie either)
 
I'm pissed and angry and beyond fucking sad.
 
I hope that people who understand me and care for me here in the land of the interwebs and those of you who know me in real life understand and respect my choice if I can't turn around and head back home for the funeral.  My dad said I was there when it counted, but I am still feeling guilty about having gone off to school (doing what I wanted and damn the torpedoes for once in my life without listening to a word anyone else said about my choices- b/c I wanted to go.  But I lost 6 months of time with my mom.  6 months of Red Sox games (ok well only 1) and phone calls about stupid shit.
 
 
 
 
Oh great Vale (Decem) just came up in iTunes;  Way to kick me when I'm down.

On my way

Feb. 28th, 2011 06:43 am
cindylouwho: (amy sad)

Flight leaves at 9 GMT.

I really do not have the coping skills for this.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

cindylouwho: (wilsonhandsinhead)
 My sister just contacted me.

My mum is dying.

They can't do the chemo- her platelets are too low.  Her liver functions are down.  So basically they are just going to make her comfortable.

I'm trying to get a flight home for tomorrow.

I'm inconsolable and I don't know what to do.  I do not have the coping skills for this. 


ETA:  I'm not leaving until Monday.  Grrrrrrrrr.

Mum update

Jan. 26th, 2011 08:00 pm
cindylouwho: (belle4)
Ok.  So.  She has undefined carcinoma.  They were unable to find the primary site of the cancer- so the liver seems to be the secondary.  It is very early, but cannot give a stage b/c they can't find the primary site.  They believe that it was "female cancer" to begin but that it stopped growing and moved on to the liver.  All the other tests are fine and clean and etc.  

Chemo will begin 1x/week starting next week.  After they see how that goes it will be 2x/week every 3 weeks.

She seems ok with this, and no one said that there should be any worry at this stage.  Of course it would be nice if they could find the primary site, but..... they are continuing to lool but everything continues to be normal.

So......yeah.

Update

Jan. 22nd, 2011 10:03 pm
cindylouwho: (belle3)
 My mom is home from the hospital.  I am sure she is excited to be home to have a big glass of Kaluah, some chips and dip, and a cig.  (even if they told her not to do any of those things I would bet 10 quid she did)

WBC= normal
colonoscopy and endoscopy= normal
brain scan= brain present and normal ( I joked they wouldn't find anything hahahahaha)
bone scan= normal

"spots" on liver= allegedly

This sounds like a job for super!oncologist Wilson.  Or super!diagnostician House.  How does one have cancer, if THEY CAN'T FIND ANYTHING?

Or they are not telling me the truth and then I will have to go home and kill them.  J/K.   

So...... I went to the GP and I was told I need (most likely, which DUH I already figured out) physio on my shoulder.  It needs work.  What it needs is a hot tub and an hour massage.  And a cortisone shot.    My foot- he said to use inserts and see.  *eyeroll*

So I am going to the physio "open" on Wednesday,  I am sure that will be fun.  Hopefully the wait won't be long.  It also has the bonus of being right around the corner.

I should be working on papers, but I'm procrastinating as usual.  
cindylouwho: (amy sad)
Thanks everyone for the messages and tweets and prayers.  <3

My sister said that the colonoscopy was clean (as if you all needed to know that) and that they are waiting for liver tests as they apparently took a biopsy.  So we are just waiting on results.  Being away from home is hard right now.  It is very hard not to book the next flight home. but I am trying to remain positive, but at the first sign of something not right, I am leaving on a jet plane.

The reason (beyond the obvious) that I am really worried about this, is this is how my aunt (my mom's sister) and nana (my mom's mom) died.  Also technically how my other aunt (my mom's half sister) died as well.  Well my other aunt, Aunt Gerry died from liver cancer secondary to breast cancer- it spread when she had open heart surgery.  My aunt Judy and nana had masses in the pancreas and abdomen area.  So yeah I am worried.  They said it is most likely not pancreas, but considering my mother's track record with doctors- I tend not to believe them, considering she went years without having lupus detected.  (I know it is never lupus, but it was then and I can make all the jokes I want, she isn't bovvered LOL)

It is kind of ridiculous with all this going on, b/c considering the fact that she has THREE auto immune diseases, I do not think her doctors expected her to live this long, which is a horrid thing to say but seriously- lupus, Grave's disease, and pernicious anemia?  Seriously, who ends up with all three of those?  And up until last week she was working full time, and was a full time + grandmother to my 2 nieces.  I don't know how she does it.  My dad says that she is faking so she can stay in the hospital away from him LOL.

Anyways I am just trying to see the humour in all of this even though it isn't the least bit funny.  Add that to the fact I have three papers due in one weeks span of time over the next 20 days and I want to curl up and hide from the world.  AND my dad had the audacity to bring up DT last night and I said I was not fucking talking about it.  He seemed to find that funny.  I did not.

blah blah blah a bit about me  )

:(

Jan. 17th, 2011 09:57 pm
cindylouwho: (rose 10 doomsday)
 *sigh*

My mom has cancer.

I don't really know more than that.  The doctors are still trying to find out exactly where.

I am not handling this well.  When my sister called and she put her on, I totally lost it.

I just don't even know how to deal.

So, if you don't see me online or posting for a few days, I just need some time to get a grip on reality.

Thank you in advance. <3 xxx
cindylouwho: (captain jack)


I was awoken early Sunday morning by [livejournal.com profile] kyrina My firs, letting me know she had scored tickets for us to see John Barrowman in panto.  Sunday was the last day of the run, and I had wanted to go.  I didn't think it was in the cards, due to lack of funds, but she got a good deal.

Now I must admit, I know nothing about  panto.  I assumed (and you know what that does) that it was silent miming.  I have no idea where I got that idea, and how quite honestly it would work.  I was very surprised.

It was a combination of song, dance, and John Barrowman wiggling his arse about and making Captain Jack/Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Champion/Doctor Who references.  He even had a sonic screwdriver!  He reminded us to suspend disbelief as he went after the princess LOL!  He was darling and endearing and charming.

The Aladdin story was kept to (mostly) and was added to with songs by Journey and Lady Gaga.   The Krankies were amusing and funny, but I can see where they may be getting past their prime (not that I knew anything about them before yesterday).  I wish we had been allowed to take photos; it would certainly help my memory.  Perhaps [livejournal.com profile] kyrina  will do her own review at some point, and help fill in the gaps.

At the end he had a little girl brought up on stage and she became keeper of the magic lamp.  She was adorable and made me miss my niceces.

After the show, we met up with other fangirls ([livejournal.com profile] helygen , et all) to squee and I found that 3 of them were from Boston!  Crazy!  Once I have a group photo I will post it, provided I don't look too terrible!

It was a very nice day and I hope I get to see JB in something else, not to mention seeing Tennant and Tate in London this summer!
cindylouwho: (tennant hair)
[Poll #1665635] Yes I know there is a typo in the poll. That is what I get for trying to do it on my iPhone LOL

question

Dec. 28th, 2010 12:05 am
cindylouwho: (Default)
Does anyone have a decade in review meme? 

I know....

Dec. 16th, 2010 03:17 pm
cindylouwho: (Ten lost sad)
I'm feeling a bit emotional and stressed and overwhelmed right now.  And I just want to take a moment here and say a few things.   

-that I can be a shit friend
-that I over react when I shouldn't and say things out of anger
-that I can get too emotional
-that I shouldn't make my issues the world's
-that I am scared sometimes
-that when I get stressed I clean like crazy and procrastinate
-and that I drive people up the wall
-that I am a drama queen
-that I have to try harder
-that I whine a bit too much
-that I truly, truly not selfish, even if it comes across that way

What I also know
-is that I really think I am good person
-I am genuine
-I try to be honest
-I try really, really hard
-I want the people I care about to be happy

What I also think is that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way; I'm sure some of you out there may have felt like that too.   I'm not perfect.  I'm far from it.;  but even if you only know me online, that is far from all it is being who I really am.  And maybe I go on and on and whine and complain - but I am not the only one.  

I'm still trying to find my place in the world, even though I'm 35.  I have no idea what is going to happen a year from now.  If you had told me I would be in Scotland, I would have laughed at you.  But here I am.  And whether or not I am here next year or back home, alone or with someone...... I just want everyone to know I am trying.  I am trying so hard to be a good person and trying so hard to find my way.  I hope everyone realizes that, even if it isn't today.
cindylouwho: (Default)

Address change things

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

cindylouwho: (hopeless F&L)
GLASGOW PLOW YOUR FRIGGING STREETS AND GRIT YOUR SIDEWALKS!

/end rant

Now it isn't my place to tell a foreign city how to run themselves, but for the love of Rasillon, they need to do something soon before someone gets hurt.  Namely me.  I shouldn't be risking my life for some bloody crumpets.

I was walking down Byres Rd, minding my own business, drinking my latte and trying not to fall on the icy, slushy sidewalk when out of the blue a car jumps the curb and nearly runs down the pedestrians, myself included.   

I love how pretty the snow looks and all the festiveness and whatnot, but I would like to be able to enjoy it without breaking my neck.
cindylouwho: (sf bones)
 xposted from my Scotland journey wordpress

So I am sure anyone who is anyone has heard about the Stephen Fry debacle. I have no idea if it is true or not. I just assumed it was someone arsing up his comments as it has been done before.

Stephen Fry is a comedian. Perhaps he was being tongue in cheek? Facetious maybe? I can’t imagine someone so intelligent and worldly as SF not thinking women can enjoy sex.

Even if he did mean it, he has the right to his thoughts and opinions, and people have the right to disagree. What people shouldn’t have the right to do, is to be a dick and send him hate tweets and messages. That is bullying, and as adults we should be above that, especially if we are trying to make a point to the youth of today who HAVE been bullied and hurt by words.

Stephen Fry needs to come back to Twitter to continue this dialog over free speech and rights, and views on sex. He has the power to reach millions, and influence people’s thoughts on the subject in a positive manner whereas I do not. It doesn’t mean I can’t try.

Stephen Fry, please come back to Twitter. My Twitter feed isn’t the same without you.



If you agree or disagree, take it up in the comments.
cindylouwho: (Tennant 11)
 Ok here are my predictions for the final episode.

cut for spoilers )

Copy cat

Oct. 24th, 2010 11:57 am
cindylouwho: (Default)
 Stolen from everyone!

Ask me to post a picture of something you're curious about. My favorite shoes, my workplace, my computer desk, my dog/cat, etc., so you will get to know me a little better. I'll post the pictures I'm asked for on this entry, and if you put this on your blog, I'll ask you to post your own.
cindylouwho: (jack/ianto2)
Yesterday was Spirit day.   For those of you who were living in an alternate universe yesterday; On October 20th we will wear purple to bring awareness to, and put an end to intolerance in honor of the 6 boys who commited suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse at home and in schools. Purple represents spirit on the Lgbtq flag and that's exactly what we would like all of you to have with you: spirit.

I've always known I was "different."  I never knew quite what it was.  Growing up in the 80s none of this was discussed, at least among my family or peer group.  I didn't even know what the word lesbian meant until I was in the 6th grade, when I was called a lesbian.  I had to go home and look it up in the dictionary.  And even then I wasn't sure what it meant.  Then again, the first time I fooled around with someone (at18) I didn't realize I was supposed to "participate," not just lay back and enjoy it.  But I digress.

I always knew I was different.  I didn't know if it was b/c my family was poorish and I didn't dress right or that I was fat or didn't have a "religion."  I always felt out of sorts and wrong.  I noticed both men and women, but never paid it any attention.  It just wasn't talked about.

I was bullied for being different.  I never knew why.  Maybe they knew when I didn't.  It was horrible.  I tried to commit suicide in 8th grade and only managed to make it through the year with the help of a supportive teacher and a few friends who were also being bullied-one for being gay.  I wasn't even entirely sure what it meant, but I knew it was wrong.  Because I knew how bad it felt.  This happened all through middle and high school and I finally came into my own in college where I met people who didn't care about your background or sexual orientation or religion.  They liked me for me.

As I went on in my life I met lots of different people who helped expand my mind and my life.  I did meet a girl in my undergrad years who I was attracted to, but I didn't really know her more than to say hello.  And then it was graduation and I was dating someone at the time..... and it just sort of faded into the background.  

Time has passed and an abusive relationship in my 20's and a lot of time being single since then let me reflect on who I am and who I want to be.  I met a few women who I was attracted to, and realized that I was bisexual- something I kind of knew all along as a child and teenager, just lacked the cognitive ability to process it, or had somehow repressed.  I have no idea.  Even while in therapy it never came up.  

So when I met [livejournal.com profile] kyrina  this summer, I finally felt comfortable enough to take the leap.  And I am thrilled that I did, as I sit here in our Glasgow flat overlooking the city- with the sun streaming in.  

So I know kids, it will get better.  I promise if you can persevere and find some supportive friends and maybe a special partner the bad times will be less what you focus on.
cindylouwho: (Default)
I just updated my f-list by removing a bunch of comms.  I don't have the time to read all the posts anymore so if there is something you think I should see let me know.  All my friends should still be my friends, but let me know if you think I made an error.  :)

 

Success

Jul. 27th, 2010 05:44 pm
cindylouwho: (Default)

I'm doing fine. A little sore but ok.
Thanks for all the well wishes. :)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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