cindylouwho: (hopeless F&L)
[personal profile] cindylouwho


 Less than 24 hours are left according to the nurse who came shortly after I left today.  

I said my goodbyes- I think she heard me and understood, b/c her heart rate went up.

And now I am sitting in this damned airport trying not to have a nervous breakdown and wondering if I can go back to Glasgow and then immediately turn back and make it back in time for the funeral.  Of course she can't hear me then......
 
It is just such a fucking waste.  In 8 weeks she went to fine, to terminal in a hospital bed at home not even resembling the woman who brought me into this world.  64 years young.  My youngest niece is a bit confused, but the older one gets it.  She is going to be devastated (not to mention once she realizes she didn't get to say goodbye to Auntie either)
 
I'm pissed and angry and beyond fucking sad.
 
I hope that people who understand me and care for me here in the land of the interwebs and those of you who know me in real life understand and respect my choice if I can't turn around and head back home for the funeral.  My dad said I was there when it counted, but I am still feeling guilty about having gone off to school (doing what I wanted and damn the torpedoes for once in my life without listening to a word anyone else said about my choices- b/c I wanted to go.  But I lost 6 months of time with my mom.  6 months of Red Sox games (ok well only 1) and phone calls about stupid shit.
 
 
 
 
Oh great Vale (Decem) just came up in iTunes;  Way to kick me when I'm down.

Date: 2011-03-13 12:17 am (UTC)
zycroft: ([house] beautiful mind)
From: [personal profile] zycroft
*hugs you so fucking tight*

You were there when it counted. And you have a lifetime that you've shared with the woman who brought you into this world. Going off to school and pursuing your dream isn't anything to be upset about; her illness is not because of that and she's had 6 months to say to herself "My girl did this. She's chasing her dreams." I don't know your mom, but I do know she loves you, so I can't imagine that she would want it any other way.

Date: 2011-03-13 12:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sodiumbisulfite.livejournal.com
I agree with the above poster. Your Mom is so proud of you for going after your dreams, and you both had so many wonderful years together ( I know it's never enough). Your decision is of no concern to anyone but you. You were there when it mattered, you were able to tell her you loved her and you were able to say goodbye. You did all you could, and you have done wonderful.
The day my Grandmother passed, my Mom called me do I could talk to her. I didn't know she would pass that day, but she couldn't talk anymore and I wasn't even sure if she could hear me. My Mom held the phone to her eat and all I said was " hi Gramma" because I was embarrassed or something to talk to her if she couldn't hear me. I regret not saying I love you, etc ( this is the first time I've talked about this) But I guess my point is I was able to talk to her, I was happy I had been able to see her previously... But it's never enough. I miss her every day.
I'm so glad you made it home. I support every decision you've made if that means anything. Have a safe trip home <33

Date: 2011-03-13 04:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] taiga13.livejournal.com
When my grandmother died I was attending university on the other side of the country and didn't have the time or money to fly back for the funeral, for which my sister gave me hell. When I apologized to my parents they were surprised and said that of course I shouldn't leave school and go to the funeral, that my grandmother wouldn't have wanted that, that she was proud of what I was doing and would have wanted me to put it first.
Funerals are for saying goodbye, and you did that.

Date: 2011-03-13 08:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mrs_roy.livejournal.com

If you need anything, anything at all, even if you just want to bash on GM, you know where to find me. *HUGGLES*

Whatever I say, it won't make you feel better and it won't bring her back, but I'm here and I love you.

Your mother knew that you love her, and that's between you and her, don't let other people dictate your motives! Grieve the way you want to grieve and know that I'm thinking of you.

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cindylouwho

March 2011

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