Lost

Mar. 15th, 2011 07:03 pm
cindylouwho: (belle4)


First, thank you all for the comments, tweets, and fb messages.  I would reply to all of them, but having to read them makes me cry.
<3 <3 <3

I feel very lost right now.  I have no idea what to do next or h0ow to figure out anything.  My brain just can't cope.  I feel like I should be home, but I can't bear being there.  I can't focus on the copious amount of work I have to do.  I know its normal......but I just feel so sad.
 
My sister has already moved herself into my mom's room.  I know they all said that it was ok and all but it kind of bothers me even though I am not there.  And granted she needs the space, but it makes me feel left out of everything now- I know I have my own life, but now nothing will ever be the same again.
 
I just have no idea how to cope.
 
If any of you were interested in seeing the obituary, it is here.  http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/metrowestdailynews/obituary.aspx?n=linda-louise-corliss&pid=149341653  (fucking LJ you suck, it won't let me embed.)
 
ps. [livejournal.com profile] kyrina  is taking care of me and is making sure I eat and stuff <3
cindylouwho: (hopeless F&L)


 Less than 24 hours are left according to the nurse who came shortly after I left today.  

I said my goodbyes- I think she heard me and understood, b/c her heart rate went up.

And now I am sitting in this damned airport trying not to have a nervous breakdown and wondering if I can go back to Glasgow and then immediately turn back and make it back in time for the funeral.  Of course she can't hear me then......
 
It is just such a fucking waste.  In 8 weeks she went to fine, to terminal in a hospital bed at home not even resembling the woman who brought me into this world.  64 years young.  My youngest niece is a bit confused, but the older one gets it.  She is going to be devastated (not to mention once she realizes she didn't get to say goodbye to Auntie either)
 
I'm pissed and angry and beyond fucking sad.
 
I hope that people who understand me and care for me here in the land of the interwebs and those of you who know me in real life understand and respect my choice if I can't turn around and head back home for the funeral.  My dad said I was there when it counted, but I am still feeling guilty about having gone off to school (doing what I wanted and damn the torpedoes for once in my life without listening to a word anyone else said about my choices- b/c I wanted to go.  But I lost 6 months of time with my mom.  6 months of Red Sox games (ok well only 1) and phone calls about stupid shit.
 
 
 
 
Oh great Vale (Decem) just came up in iTunes;  Way to kick me when I'm down.
cindylouwho: (wilsonhandsinhead)
 My sister just contacted me.

My mum is dying.

They can't do the chemo- her platelets are too low.  Her liver functions are down.  So basically they are just going to make her comfortable.

I'm trying to get a flight home for tomorrow.

I'm inconsolable and I don't know what to do.  I do not have the coping skills for this. 


ETA:  I'm not leaving until Monday.  Grrrrrrrrr.

Mum update

Jan. 26th, 2011 08:00 pm
cindylouwho: (belle4)
Ok.  So.  She has undefined carcinoma.  They were unable to find the primary site of the cancer- so the liver seems to be the secondary.  It is very early, but cannot give a stage b/c they can't find the primary site.  They believe that it was "female cancer" to begin but that it stopped growing and moved on to the liver.  All the other tests are fine and clean and etc.  

Chemo will begin 1x/week starting next week.  After they see how that goes it will be 2x/week every 3 weeks.

She seems ok with this, and no one said that there should be any worry at this stage.  Of course it would be nice if they could find the primary site, but..... they are continuing to lool but everything continues to be normal.

So......yeah.

Update

Jan. 22nd, 2011 10:03 pm
cindylouwho: (belle3)
 My mom is home from the hospital.  I am sure she is excited to be home to have a big glass of Kaluah, some chips and dip, and a cig.  (even if they told her not to do any of those things I would bet 10 quid she did)

WBC= normal
colonoscopy and endoscopy= normal
brain scan= brain present and normal ( I joked they wouldn't find anything hahahahaha)
bone scan= normal

"spots" on liver= allegedly

This sounds like a job for super!oncologist Wilson.  Or super!diagnostician House.  How does one have cancer, if THEY CAN'T FIND ANYTHING?

Or they are not telling me the truth and then I will have to go home and kill them.  J/K.   

So...... I went to the GP and I was told I need (most likely, which DUH I already figured out) physio on my shoulder.  It needs work.  What it needs is a hot tub and an hour massage.  And a cortisone shot.    My foot- he said to use inserts and see.  *eyeroll*

So I am going to the physio "open" on Wednesday,  I am sure that will be fun.  Hopefully the wait won't be long.  It also has the bonus of being right around the corner.

I should be working on papers, but I'm procrastinating as usual.  
cindylouwho: (amy sad)
Thanks everyone for the messages and tweets and prayers.  <3

My sister said that the colonoscopy was clean (as if you all needed to know that) and that they are waiting for liver tests as they apparently took a biopsy.  So we are just waiting on results.  Being away from home is hard right now.  It is very hard not to book the next flight home. but I am trying to remain positive, but at the first sign of something not right, I am leaving on a jet plane.

The reason (beyond the obvious) that I am really worried about this, is this is how my aunt (my mom's sister) and nana (my mom's mom) died.  Also technically how my other aunt (my mom's half sister) died as well.  Well my other aunt, Aunt Gerry died from liver cancer secondary to breast cancer- it spread when she had open heart surgery.  My aunt Judy and nana had masses in the pancreas and abdomen area.  So yeah I am worried.  They said it is most likely not pancreas, but considering my mother's track record with doctors- I tend not to believe them, considering she went years without having lupus detected.  (I know it is never lupus, but it was then and I can make all the jokes I want, she isn't bovvered LOL)

It is kind of ridiculous with all this going on, b/c considering the fact that she has THREE auto immune diseases, I do not think her doctors expected her to live this long, which is a horrid thing to say but seriously- lupus, Grave's disease, and pernicious anemia?  Seriously, who ends up with all three of those?  And up until last week she was working full time, and was a full time + grandmother to my 2 nieces.  I don't know how she does it.  My dad says that she is faking so she can stay in the hospital away from him LOL.

Anyways I am just trying to see the humour in all of this even though it isn't the least bit funny.  Add that to the fact I have three papers due in one weeks span of time over the next 20 days and I want to curl up and hide from the world.  AND my dad had the audacity to bring up DT last night and I said I was not fucking talking about it.  He seemed to find that funny.  I did not.

blah blah blah a bit about me  )

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