cindylouwho: (jack/ianto2)
Yesterday was Spirit day.   For those of you who were living in an alternate universe yesterday; On October 20th we will wear purple to bring awareness to, and put an end to intolerance in honor of the 6 boys who commited suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse at home and in schools. Purple represents spirit on the Lgbtq flag and that's exactly what we would like all of you to have with you: spirit.

I've always known I was "different."  I never knew quite what it was.  Growing up in the 80s none of this was discussed, at least among my family or peer group.  I didn't even know what the word lesbian meant until I was in the 6th grade, when I was called a lesbian.  I had to go home and look it up in the dictionary.  And even then I wasn't sure what it meant.  Then again, the first time I fooled around with someone (at18) I didn't realize I was supposed to "participate," not just lay back and enjoy it.  But I digress.

I always knew I was different.  I didn't know if it was b/c my family was poorish and I didn't dress right or that I was fat or didn't have a "religion."  I always felt out of sorts and wrong.  I noticed both men and women, but never paid it any attention.  It just wasn't talked about.

I was bullied for being different.  I never knew why.  Maybe they knew when I didn't.  It was horrible.  I tried to commit suicide in 8th grade and only managed to make it through the year with the help of a supportive teacher and a few friends who were also being bullied-one for being gay.  I wasn't even entirely sure what it meant, but I knew it was wrong.  Because I knew how bad it felt.  This happened all through middle and high school and I finally came into my own in college where I met people who didn't care about your background or sexual orientation or religion.  They liked me for me.

As I went on in my life I met lots of different people who helped expand my mind and my life.  I did meet a girl in my undergrad years who I was attracted to, but I didn't really know her more than to say hello.  And then it was graduation and I was dating someone at the time..... and it just sort of faded into the background.  

Time has passed and an abusive relationship in my 20's and a lot of time being single since then let me reflect on who I am and who I want to be.  I met a few women who I was attracted to, and realized that I was bisexual- something I kind of knew all along as a child and teenager, just lacked the cognitive ability to process it, or had somehow repressed.  I have no idea.  Even while in therapy it never came up.  

So when I met [livejournal.com profile] kyrina  this summer, I finally felt comfortable enough to take the leap.  And I am thrilled that I did, as I sit here in our Glasgow flat overlooking the city- with the sun streaming in.  

So I know kids, it will get better.  I promise if you can persevere and find some supportive friends and maybe a special partner the bad times will be less what you focus on.

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cindylouwho

March 2011

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