cindylouwho: (tennant2)
earlier I was tired when I made this post:

I hope this clarifies it, but I am kinda stoned now so IDK if it is clear.

The neuro [he is the 3rd one I have seen] has referred me off to a 4th one.  Seriously.  And he gave me the worlds smallest prescription, so I am NOT HAPPY.

Then I had the regular dr.  Well I would have, but she was home sick, so I saw some other dr.  He at least took my word about the sinus infection and gave me antibiotics and refilled the 2 medications I needed refilling and sent me to get a blood test to see if my vitamin d level was low again.  [it was so low 6 months ago, it was barely registering]



So: basically the old neuro is not equipt for my issues now that its apparent it is a daily chronic thing.  So they need to send me to someone who can deal with that.  SO I am seeing a pain management specialist and a neuro all in one.  They are working on the referral right now for me.  He says it is common to have people go back and forth to neuro's.  He wanted to send me back to neuro of fail but he left the state.  I would have NEVER allowed it.  No way in fucking hell.

I saw a PCP, not mine, and I was bummed b/c I love my dr.  She is sweet and great but she had been taking care of her sick kids and got the tummy bug herself.  SO I was able to get antibiotics for the sinus infection, a refill on the ativan, and an adjustment of my antidepressants.  I hope that will boost my mood.  They also re-tested me for Vitamin D deficiency which I bet is low again.  I hope that the upping of the antidepressants helps me and gives me back my motication and energy, especially if they find I have the D deficiency again.  That will fix me right up again.

I'm really sleepy and stoned and oops fell over

UTTER FAIL

Feb. 2nd, 2010 12:56 pm
cindylouwho: (barrowman!)
The doctor visits were utter FAIL.  FML. 

The neuro [he is the 3rd one I have seen] has referred me off to a 4th one.  Seriously.  And he gave me the worlds smallest prescription, so I am NOT HAPPY.

Then I had the regular dr.  Well I would have, but she was home sick, so I saw some other dr.  He at least took my word about the sinus infection and gave me antibiotics and refilled the 2 medications I needed refilling and sent me to get a blood test to see if my vitamin d level was low again.  [it was so low 6 months ago, it was barely registering]

I have to go to a meeting later for my part time job.  It is a waste of time.  I've been there so long I could RUN the meeting myself.  I do get paid for being there and fed, but I'd rather just get my materials and go home.  But I was sick for the last 2 meetings so I kind of have to go, that and I need the money.  And free dinner.

And when I got home I found Rascal had pooed on the floor.  

But I had turkey bacon and chocolate biscuits for lunch so that was good.  I also foresee a nap in my future.
cindylouwho: (di carlisle 1)
I had the most brilliant dream this morning.  I was part of a crew to go and interview David Tennant and we were sitting about waiting for him to come home with his girlfriend [?] and making small talk and smoking Silk Cut.  So then finally he comes home all rumpled and scruffy, like he was channeling House [like this] and OMG.  Well for some reason the crew decide that it's a good time to go out for a smoke/coffee/home and who I gathered in the dream was his girlfriend was going upstairs to sleep or shower. 

So it's the two of us in the kitchen and he's reading the paper and finally he decides well it's time to make dinner. [???] So he goes to the sink to wash a glass or something and I ask if he needs help, so I go over to help.  And in the dream I'm far taller than in real life b/c we are almost eye to eye.  That or he has bent rather well over to me and I recall we were both kind of leaning on the counter.  And we are so close, noses nearly touching.  And I'm so excited and aroused and I know he's going to kiss me.  AND THEN I WOKE UP.  NOT FAIR.  NOT FAIR AT BLOODY WELL ALL.   ASALKSJALKSJALSJALKSJALSJALSKJALSKJALKSJALKSJ.  If I can't get any in real life, could I at least get some in my dreams? 

stupid life grrrrrrrrrrr )
cindylouwho: (wilson12)
 I have been unemployed since mid June.  It took until sometime in July to get coverage.  I had medical care through the summer, ending at the end of August.  At the end of August I began to apply for Mass Health/Commonwealth Care.  My paperwork was lost TWICE and after multiple phone calls I got a letter dated 10/16 that I was eligible for Commonwealth Care, as well as a phone call.  

SO when I can FINALLY GET THROUGH TO A HUMAN BEING,and give them all of my information, they tell me I will not have coverage UNTIL DECEMBER.  DECEMBER.  So I ask what I am supposed to do between now and then, which I was told to contact Health Safety Net.  I checked their site for info and it takes FORTY-FIVE days to get approved.  That will be some time in December.  Now I can wait on my primary care doctor visit, but I can't wait to see the neuro.

I need to get a flu shot.  I still need to have meds filled.  The ativan is fine, it's only 15 dollars out of pocket.  But my antidepressant is over $200.  I can't afford that.  And I can't afford to go off of it either.  Then there are the pain pills.  I have 4 left.  I do not think he will refill anything over the phone.  Maybe I can get them to give me T3's until I have coverage to tide me over.  I don't know.  I am going to be doing a lot of begging in the mean time.  Or I am going to be in pain until December, making it pretty much impossible to hold new job down.  

Not to mention they hit you with a tax penalty here in MA if you do not have insurance.   If I am taxed I will fight it with every fiber in my body.  

Not to mention my hospital visit and the one neuro visit I will have to pay out of pocket b/c nothing is RETROACTIVE.


AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have started a new job but I do not know if benefits are included as it is only a 3 day position.  Also I haven't done my paperwork yet.  So this could all end up being a moot point.  Or not.  All I know is that there needs to be a change in the way health care is managed in this country.  If I were to God forbid, get in an accident right now, I'd be fucked.  There is no way I'd ever recover financially.  My parents can't help in that kind of situation.  
cindylouwho: (wilson12)
OMFG my fucking head.  I can't take it any more.

3 t3s at 7:30pm.  It is 8:30 and I want to alternately scream and puke from the pain.  Fuck this shit.

ugh

Jul. 23rd, 2009 04:24 pm
cindylouwho: (autopsy)
I woke up from my nap and I feel ill and awful and anxiety ridden FOR NO REASON.

I need a book to teach my class next session and it isn't in any bookstores or the library.

Do I order it direct from amazon or do I buy it from a reseller and hope it gets here by Wed/Thurs next week?

Unless any of you have this of course and can scan/send it to me.
cindylouwho: (Default)
This day has been made of fail. I woke up late, hit every red light. There were no balance bars at CVS. I got to work and the kids were whiny and I was bitchy. PMSy much?

I still haven't gotten confirmation about my interview tomorrow.

I got bitched out by someone at work about something I had NO idea about and then the emails going on and on making me feel like a fool.

My head is killing.

I didn't make my chiro or my mani appt today b/c I napped and I woke up and felt like death.

I got a letter in the mail about an issue with one of my credit cards in debt management and had to deal with that which was a pain in the ass.

The only saving grace..... has been this.



and this...courtesy of Mr. Fry himself

Decisions

May. 26th, 2009 07:45 pm
cindylouwho: (broken)
I'm not sure I'm going to be writing anymore.  I'm feeling kind of frustrated about it, and that is a key sign I need to back away.  I know my reasons are ridiculous, but I think I would feel a little bit better about it if I got more than a handful of comments, or got recced.  I know that I say that all the time, and I know it isn't a real measure of the kind of writer I am or any other writer for that matter.  It's a competitive market, and I'm just not sure I want to keep competing.  

I put a lot into my last long piece, it was really personal and addressed how I was feeling a while back, and I don't know if I can keep putting myself out there for the time being...... which is how I feel about pretty much everything right now.
cindylouwho: (Default)
Neuro of fail is closing his practice down at the hospital I see him at.    I find this amusing.  Too bad I had already had my files sent to me to give to my new doctor.  Preemptive strike.  

This makes me happy.  I would have been rid of him either way,  

And on that note, I am going to TRY and go back to sleep now.
cindylouwho: (Default)
I haven't been running in almost 2 weeks. Last week I had insomnia bad and I could hardly function never mind run. This weekend I was busy, had softball, and then Monday my stomach was upset. Yesterday my head hurt and today I said fuck it and went to the ER. I hate having to spend the money, but I needed to get SOMETHING. I was not going to make a month with no meds. So I have vicodin. Not many, but hopefully enough to get by. They told me to come back in 2 days if it isn't better. LOL. It hasn't been better in 3 YEARS!!!

I really hope that this new doctor has the answers. Or can get me to the people who can. Or gives me meds that don't suck.

No job prospects as of yet. Schools here are laying off teachers, not hiring. :(

I hope to go running tomorrow. One month until the 5k. I better get on it. I know times are tight but if anyone wants to sponsor me, it would be real, real great. I promise to do something wonderful for anyone on LJ who donates, be it a fic or something. <3

My report cards are due in a week. FML.


Otherwise, life is ok. I have friends coming in for a big gathering of Red Sox fans this weekend so it should be fun and crazy!

::sigh::

May. 18th, 2009 12:21 pm
cindylouwho: (housecane)
Being home sick from work sucks. And is boring.

There is nothing on tv.

I could read.

I *should* be working on my report cards.

I called my new dr's office to see if I could get my appt. moved up. No can do. It is going to be a long month with no pain meds. If worse comes to worse I can go to the ER again, but I owe so much money already I really do not want to go there.

Ugh

May. 17th, 2009 08:07 am
cindylouwho: (cameron)
My head and hip are KILLING and I have go to play softball. (This wouldn't be an issue if I had more than 3 pills left and I could take something, but NO)  IN THE RAIN.  DO NOT WANT.  I just want to get back into bed and stay there.  I can't believe the game hasn't been canceled.  I mean srsly who wants to play in the rain???  Not me.  Not to mention the park is like 30-40 minutes from here and I am going to be annoyed if I go all the way out there and find out they canceled it then.  Ugh.

Deja vu

May. 6th, 2009 02:37 pm
cindylouwho: (cameron)
I lost my job again.

It happened the same time last year, right before the House finale.

I feel like such a failure. Apparently I suck as a teacher, failed to keep the kids safe, didn't keep the room up to date with their work, or do 1000 other different things.

I have to finish out the year once again, in a place that doesn't want me.

I have no idea what I am going to do in the future. I have no skills other than teaching; I haven't even come remotely close to paying off my loans.

I'm terrified, depressed, and I just have no idea what I am going to do now.
cindylouwho: (parade 2)
*Day off today, yet I was wide awake at 6:30.  :(

*Made it to the gym today, finally.  Of course I'm paying for it with a killer headache, but I got my 5K mileage in, and a good deal of it actually running.  Now if I could just do this 3-4 times/week I will be ready for the 5k in June.

*Cleaned the house today (the kitchen and bathroom mostly) and it looks so much better.  I wish people here cared as much as I do.  It's tiring to have to do it all on your own.

*There are a million things I want/need to do/buy but lack of fundage is putting a damper on it.  (want to see M v. A, get new glasses, car washed and cleaned, need book on baseball math for school, groceries, watch battery replaced ~ PAYCHECK FAIL, new clothes, shoes, etc)

*Need to find new primary care doctor for second fourth opinion.  Anyone know of any one good in the Boston area, preferably not at St. Elizabeth's?

*Maybe I should just take a nap?

cindylouwho: (parade 2)
Had appt today.  Showed neuro that March had sucked; 4 days total I didn't have a headache.  He is now calling them "treatment resistant chronic headaches."  Lovely.

So changes are to follow:
1.  Wean off nortriptaline starting today.  50 mg per day for 1 week, then 50 every other day for 1 week.
2.  In 2 weeks start Cymbalta @ 30mg, going up to 60 if tolerated well.
3. Stop Topamax.
4.  All other meds stay the same.
5.  I also didn't get cut off, but I know he wasn't pleased.  Wants me to keep t3's to 15/month at max; which is a change from the 1 a week he wanted me at.  

Unforunately the pharmacy hasn't gotten the script via fax yet and I have to wait.  I hope I don't have to wait until tomorrow. :(
cindylouwho: (Default)
9 years ago today I made the single most biggest mistake of my life. I cheated on my then boyfriend and went out with the guy who I later thought was my soul mate, but who ended up being someone who verbally abused me, made me feel like shit, and tried to control me through his irrational beliefs.

So yeah I generally hate St. Patrick's day now (and I got in trouble at work last year b/c I said I didn't like it; apparently not allowed to have opinions) b/c all I can ever remember is that night and what a fool I was. I want to go back 9 years and smack myself in the face.

So yeah.
cindylouwho: (Default)
Well unfortunately the Topamax experiment is over. Actually it is rather fortunate since for the past week and some days I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO DO A DAMN THING! I have not been able to think clearly. I don't remember most of this week actually. Most of it went by in a fog. I actually went to bed at 5:30 pm last night I was so tired and out of it. I was hopeful that it would work, b/c it was actually alleviating my headaches. (or I was so out of it I didn't know my head hurt) So Monday I will be calling the neuro and letting him know I'd rather be in pain without meds than live my life in a fog. I was observed at work on Tuesday and I don't even remember it at all now.

Seriously. Can't. Remember.
cindylouwho: (Default)
I fail at life. My lesson yesterday failed. My boss is concerned. It didn't help that these new meds make me feel like I am in such a fog and I was nervous and I couldn't get my words out at all. But the biggest issue was how I taught the lesson. I taught like I wasn't teaching to the audience I was teaching to (special ed students). And most of it is that I have no idea what I am doing. I'm just hardly coasting by. I am not a math teacher. I always wanted to teach English or Social Studies, never math or science which I have been. And I just feel like I am not going to be retained here, and I won't be shocked if it were to happen b/c I do not think I am working hard or doing enough (mostly b/c I am burnt out and exhausted and b/c of my head and all; I mean I haven't had any rest or a real vacation in like 5 years)

So I do not know what to do. I have no skills. I haven't even paid off 1/4 of my school loans. I don't know what to do or what I would do if I wasn't asked back. I think I would have to not be in education b/c it is obvious that I have failed as a teacher; that I am not cut out for it. I don't have a clue what I am cut out for at all. Every job I have ever had I fucked up somehow or self sabotaged or failed at. I was never really good any of them. And in this economy I couldn't pay someone to hire me.

I'm tired, cold, and stressed and sorry for this rambling.
cindylouwho: (Default)
So as you may or may not know on Thursday I had a spinal tap.  (which btw came back fine, all the fluid and pressure tests are perfect, juts like I said they would be)  And now I am on day 4, 5? idk anymore of bedrest.  I can't sit or stand without feeling like my head is going to explode.  Right now, my head is slightly elevated so I can type, and it is teh suck.

Anyways.... so yeah I've been to the ER twice.  I was going to have a blood patch to address this headache issue, but since the LP had to be done under xray there is no way they can do the blood patch unless they do it that way..... so I have pain meds and another 2 days excused from work if need be. 

I hope this goes away soon.  I cant even do simple things like making a cup of tea without it draining me.  

Bummer

Feb. 4th, 2009 10:13 pm
cindylouwho: (Default)
Thanks everyone for the well wishes and whatnot.  I am feeling ok today, though I was way sore earlier.

I had been planning a trip to London this April, but it looks like it won't be happening.  Air fare is way up, and the place I was going to stay does not look like it is going to be feasible.  I can't afford airfare and hotel.  :(  

I'm sad, but I knew it was too good to be true.  

<sigh>

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