Melancholy Without Hope

 My sister just contacted me.

My mum is dying.

They can't do the chemo- her platelets are too low.  Her liver functions are down.  So basically they are just going to make her comfortable.

I'm trying to get a flight home for tomorrow.

I'm inconsolable and I don't know what to do.  I do not have the coping skills for this. 


ETA:  I'm not leaving until Monday.  Grrrrrrrrr.

 My mom is home from the hospital.  I am sure she is excited to be home to have a big glass of Kaluah, some chips and dip, and a cig.  (even if they told her not to do any of those things I would bet 10 quid she did)

WBC= normal
colonoscopy and endoscopy= normal
brain scan= brain present and normal ( I joked they wouldn't find anything hahahahaha)
bone scan= normal

"spots" on liver= allegedly

This sounds like a job for super!oncologist Wilson.  Or super!diagnostician House.  How does one have cancer, if THEY CAN'T FIND ANYTHING?

Or they are not telling me the truth and then I will have to go home and kill them.  J/K.   

So...... I went to the GP and I was told I need (most likely, which DUH I already figured out) physio on my shoulder.  It needs work.  What it needs is a hot tub and an hour massage.  And a cortisone shot.    My foot- he said to use inserts and see.  *eyeroll*

So I am going to the physio "open" on Wednesday,  I am sure that will be fun.  Hopefully the wait won't be long.  It also has the bonus of being right around the corner.

I should be working on papers, but I'm procrastinating as usual.  

 *sigh*

My mom has cancer.

I don't really know more than that.  The doctors are still trying to find out exactly where.

I am not handling this well.  When my sister called and she put her on, I totally lost it.

I just don't even know how to deal.

So, if you don't see me online or posting for a few days, I just need some time to get a grip on reality.

Thank you in advance. <3 xxx

[Poll #1665635] Yes I know there is a typo in the poll. That is what I get for trying to do it on my iPhone LOL

I'm feeling a bit emotional and stressed and overwhelmed right now.  And I just want to take a moment here and say a few things.   

-that I can be a shit friend
-that I over react when I shouldn't and say things out of anger
-that I can get too emotional
-that I shouldn't make my issues the world's
-that I am scared sometimes
-that when I get stressed I clean like crazy and procrastinate
-and that I drive people up the wall
-that I am a drama queen
-that I have to try harder
-that I whine a bit too much
-that I truly, truly not selfish, even if it comes across that way

What I also know
-is that I really think I am good person
-I am genuine
-I try to be honest
-I try really, really hard
-I want the people I care about to be happy

What I also think is that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way; I'm sure some of you out there may have felt like that too.   I'm not perfect.  I'm far from it.;  but even if you only know me online, that is far from all it is being who I really am.  And maybe I go on and on and whine and complain - but I am not the only one.  

I'm still trying to find my place in the world, even though I'm 35.  I have no idea what is going to happen a year from now.  If you had told me I would be in Scotland, I would have laughed at you.  But here I am.  And whether or not I am here next year or back home, alone or with someone...... I just want everyone to know I am trying.  I am trying so hard to be a good person and trying so hard to find my way.  I hope everyone realizes that, even if it isn't today.

GLASGOW PLOW YOUR FRIGGING STREETS AND GRIT YOUR SIDEWALKS!

/end rant

Now it isn't my place to tell a foreign city how to run themselves, but for the love of Rasillon, they need to do something soon before someone gets hurt.  Namely me.  I shouldn't be risking my life for some bloody crumpets.

I was walking down Byres Rd, minding my own business, drinking my latte and trying not to fall on the icy, slushy sidewalk when out of the blue a car jumps the curb and nearly runs down the pedestrians, myself included.   

I love how pretty the snow looks and all the festiveness and whatnot, but I would like to be able to enjoy it without breaking my neck.

 Ok here are my predictions for the final episode.

( cut for spoilers )

Yesterday was Spirit day.   For those of you who were living in an alternate universe yesterday; On October 20th we will wear purple to bring awareness to, and put an end to intolerance in honor of the 6 boys who commited suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse at home and in schools. Purple represents spirit on the Lgbtq flag and that's exactly what we would like all of you to have with you: spirit.

I've always known I was "different."  I never knew quite what it was.  Growing up in the 80s none of this was discussed, at least among my family or peer group.  I didn't even know what the word lesbian meant until I was in the 6th grade, when I was called a lesbian.  I had to go home and look it up in the dictionary.  And even then I wasn't sure what it meant.  Then again, the first time I fooled around with someone (at18) I didn't realize I was supposed to "participate," not just lay back and enjoy it.  But I digress.

I always knew I was different.  I didn't know if it was b/c my family was poorish and I didn't dress right or that I was fat or didn't have a "religion."  I always felt out of sorts and wrong.  I noticed both men and women, but never paid it any attention.  It just wasn't talked about.

I was bullied for being different.  I never knew why.  Maybe they knew when I didn't.  It was horrible.  I tried to commit suicide in 8th grade and only managed to make it through the year with the help of a supportive teacher and a few friends who were also being bullied-one for being gay.  I wasn't even entirely sure what it meant, but I knew it was wrong.  Because I knew how bad it felt.  This happened all through middle and high school and I finally came into my own in college where I met people who didn't care about your background or sexual orientation or religion.  They liked me for me.

As I went on in my life I met lots of different people who helped expand my mind and my life.  I did meet a girl in my undergrad years who I was attracted to, but I didn't really know her more than to say hello.  And then it was graduation and I was dating someone at the time..... and it just sort of faded into the background.  

Time has passed and an abusive relationship in my 20's and a lot of time being single since then let me reflect on who I am and who I want to be.  I met a few women who I was attracted to, and realized that I was bisexual- something I kind of knew all along as a child and teenager, just lacked the cognitive ability to process it, or had somehow repressed.  I have no idea.  Even while in therapy it never came up.  

So when I met kyrina  this summer, I finally felt comfortable enough to take the leap.  And I am thrilled that I did, as I sit here in our Glasgow flat overlooking the city- with the sun streaming in.  

So I know kids, it will get better.  I promise if you can persevere and find some supportive friends and maybe a special partner the bad times will be less what you focus on.