Melancholy Without Hope

Thanks everyone for the messages and tweets and prayers.  <3

My sister said that the colonoscopy was clean (as if you all needed to know that) and that they are waiting for liver tests as they apparently took a biopsy.  So we are just waiting on results.  Being away from home is hard right now.  It is very hard not to book the next flight home. but I am trying to remain positive, but at the first sign of something not right, I am leaving on a jet plane.

The reason (beyond the obvious) that I am really worried about this, is this is how my aunt (my mom's sister) and nana (my mom's mom) died.  Also technically how my other aunt (my mom's half sister) died as well.  Well my other aunt, Aunt Gerry died from liver cancer secondary to breast cancer- it spread when she had open heart surgery.  My aunt Judy and nana had masses in the pancreas and abdomen area.  So yeah I am worried.  They said it is most likely not pancreas, but considering my mother's track record with doctors- I tend not to believe them, considering she went years without having lupus detected.  (I know it is never lupus, but it was then and I can make all the jokes I want, she isn't bovvered LOL)

It is kind of ridiculous with all this going on, b/c considering the fact that she has THREE auto immune diseases, I do not think her doctors expected her to live this long, which is a horrid thing to say but seriously- lupus, Grave's disease, and pernicious anemia?  Seriously, who ends up with all three of those?  And up until last week she was working full time, and was a full time + grandmother to my 2 nieces.  I don't know how she does it.  My dad says that she is faking so she can stay in the hospital away from him LOL.

Anyways I am just trying to see the humour in all of this even though it isn't the least bit funny.  Add that to the fact I have three papers due in one weeks span of time over the next 20 days and I want to curl up and hide from the world.  AND my dad had the audacity to bring up DT last night and I said I was not fucking talking about it.  He seemed to find that funny.  I did not.

( blah blah blah a bit about me  )

Thank you to everyone who replied to my earlier entry.  I read them all at work when I got the notifications on my BB.  :)  I love you all.  <3


So I talked to my mom and they are going home from the ER now.  My dad had bloodwork, a CAT scan, and a chest xray.  They don't know what it is so he needs to see a specialist tomorrow.  Preliminary ddx: infection.  Backup DDX: cancer.  I don't think cancer makes your neck swell up in like 6 hours so if they do find cancer it will be somewhere else since they are making him see a primary care doctor next week.  I won't be surprised if it is found, nor will a diagnosis of advanced emphesema.  That I diagnosed about 20 years ago and I don't even play a doctor on tv.  

I expect that if it is cancer, he won't go for treatment.  He saw what it did to my aunt when she had breast/liver cancer and I just don't think he would want to live like that.  Especially now that my sister and her kids are at home.  He saw what it put S and I and his family through when S's dad was dying of brain cancer.  I don't want my last memory of my dad to be him calling me a whore.  

My dad hasn't seen a doctor since I was a kid.  He was really sick for a long time, puking his guts out day in and day out.  Finally after like 2 years [probably less, it just seemed that in my kid mind] he went and found it was acidic stomach and gave him xantac and he was fine.  Go figure.

So.  Ive been forced to think lots of things I never particularly thought I would be thinking today.  I'd always thought I'd be more Housian about it; I had been more Housian about it.... I mean we hadn't been particularly close since I was very young.  Everything seemed to go wrong when I was older and then there were major issues when I was with S.  I mean S. made him cry at Christmas dinner.  It was just bad.  So bad.  So many things went wrong back then, most of them my fault.  I mean once I knew what I knew about S. I should have run in the other direction.  I was such a fool.  My dad taught me better.

Well now I'm just babbling so I need to just stop for now.