real life ramblings

[cindylouwho]

I fail at life. My lesson yesterday failed. My boss is concerned. It didn't help that these new meds make me feel like I am in such a fog and I was nervous and I couldn't get my words out at all. But the biggest issue was how I taught the lesson. I taught like I wasn't teaching to the audience I was teaching to (special ed students). And most of it is that I have no idea what I am doing. I'm just hardly coasting by. I am not a math teacher. I always wanted to teach English or Social Studies, never math or science which I have been. And I just feel like I am not going to be retained here, and I won't be shocked if it were to happen b/c I do not think I am working hard or doing enough (mostly b/c I am burnt out and exhausted and b/c of my head and all; I mean I haven't had any rest or a real vacation in like 5 years)

So I do not know what to do. I have no skills. I haven't even paid off 1/4 of my school loans. I don't know what to do or what I would do if I wasn't asked back. I think I would have to not be in education b/c it is obvious that I have failed as a teacher; that I am not cut out for it. I don't have a clue what I am cut out for at all. Every job I have ever had I fucked up somehow or self sabotaged or failed at. I was never really good any of them. And in this economy I couldn't pay someone to hire me.

I'm tired, cold, and stressed and sorry for this rambling.

Comments

[bishojo-kitsune.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com]

<3 <3 <3 <3

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

call the neuro's office and tell them the drugs are affecting your job performance. they can at the very least tell you if it's going to clear up or they might put you on something else. you need to have your head as clear as possible.
tell your boss about the drugs and your medical situation. they may be able to help; at the very least if they understand it's not your fault it's better for you.
i love you. i'm sorry it's so hard.

[cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com]

I expected the side effects since I was warned about them. It is supposed to get easier and better once I start to tolerate them, after a few weeks; it hasn't even been a month so I can't give up on what could be one of my last chances here.

Maybe I just feel this is all doom and gloom b/c I am so stressed and tired right now, I don't even know. <3

[magie-05.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Maybe part of why you're feeling this way is the side effects from the meds, you know? Just making everything seem worse. <3 I hope it gets better.

[2801rosie.livejournal.com]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
Would you be able to mention to your bosses that you are on a new medication and it is temporarily affecting your performance?
I'm not familiar with how to become a teacher but I thought when you went to school for it, you specialized in a subject and you were hired for that. Are you allowed to request teaching a certain subject? Don't you have to be specially trained to teach special ed?
Think positive, it may not have been as bad as you think.

Have you heard anything from autumn, did she get through the surgery ok?

[cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com]

After I got my bachelors I went back and got my M.Ed in Elem. Education and my license is to be an elem. generalist. I don't have a speciality or any special training which is part of the problem. Maybe it is the meds that make me feel this way, but I am fairly sure it is not all that. I wish I could do better but I do not have a math background and I have a hard time presenting material looking like I have a clue, I guess.

I haven't heard from Autumn yet. :(

[2801rosie.livejournal.com]

I could be talking out of my ass and I hope I don't offend you because that is not my intention but from this and previous post, I think you need to have more confidence in yourself. When I started out as an electrician I had no idea what I was doing. Sure I was an apprentice and being trained as I went to school but I worked with men who did not want me, or any other girl, there. We were told as much. I didn't have much confidence in taking the initiative in what I was doing. Fortunately, I had a few guys who believed in me, in the fact that women could do the job they did. I was working with this one guy, his name is Joe, and he set me straight on a few things. Told me I had to have confidence in myself, that I knew how to do the job but I let what people might think of me interfere with how I did it. Everytime I came up with a retort he replied, "fuck em, you deserve to be here as much as they do, you just have to believe it yourself."
It doesn't happen overnight but you could start by stop saying you fail. Believe in yourself. Have confidence in yourself. You say you don't know science or math, well you know a lot more than the kids you're teaching. Hold your head high and keep jane's icon message in your head, Fuck you I'm Cindy!!!

[cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com]

You didn't offend me, and you are right. I have 0 confidence. I never have had any ever. The problem is, once I get the tiniest bit of confidence in where I am, it all comes crashing down around me. I may know more math than these kids, but that is not what I;m evaluated on.....

I know I am the only one who can change how I perceive all of this and I know i need to. But it is terrifying to think in a blink of an eye I could have nothing.

Thanks for listening and offering advice. :)

[wordfuzion.livejournal.com]

*huggles* I understand what you mean about getting adjusted to new meds. And also about finding a job. But I know you'll get through this. Because you're a survivor.

[cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com]

I hope so.

<3

[taiga13.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're feeling badly. I've been there, believe me, and it wasn't long ago. And I pulled through, which means anyone can.
I'd echo what phinnia said upthread about telling your boss about your medication, and what you electrician friend said about having confidence. In grad school we were told to "fake it till you make it", meaning that even though you have no confidence in yourself to pretend you do until you do for real.

[cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I am trying so hard, but it is just so hard some days. <3

[sodiumbisulfite.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
Wish there was something I could do &hearts